How far do you trust chance to get you there?

February 22nd '99 - Today I missed the bus for work by 30 seconds and in that waiting space accessed a rage of tears. I’m so afraid at these personal demands, of gambling on my departure, and was enraged with my parents, that they have bequeathed me with an environment I am loathe to return to. I would be better off dead. I am terrified of the ultimatum, that given I am mistaken, or do not succeed in finding him, I will not want to return to my life. I am even angry towards the artists for having put me in such a space. It is not fair to anyone.

The reason I am like this is because I do not think I can reach him down normal avenues, I think it is fairly hopeless. So I end up thinking of the gambles I may be forced to take, like flying on a whim to find Bono, or just going there with no leads at all, and this terrifies me. I was pacing in figure eights at the bus stop in tears, in the pouring rain.

Then I had a laughable thought, pertaining to the memory of Kevin. You see with Kevin, I ran into him whenever he entered my orbit of downtown activity, every time he entered it. This got pretty uncanny ‘cause it happened about eight times in succession. I did not do it on purpose, it just happened. Anyway, near the end there were two instances where I tried to run into him downtown on purpose, because I needed to talk to him. The first time I parked right in front of the pizzeria where he was eating, and the second time I went to the club, no show, turned around to walk out in disappointment, just in time to see him pass the window outside on the sidewalk, staring in. I was basically astonished at the circumstance, that we kept meeting each other like that. I was regarding it in terms of observation of an anomaly that was provided for by the unusual circumstance of mutual attraction, and no association, which went on for about a year. Usually things resolve themselves, one way or the other, much more quickly, and do not provide such a time window where circumstances of chance are allowed to act.

How interesting. You didn’t know you had such a people sense, did you? I picked up on him really quickly when he was around, once just before he walked in the door, I asked for him to. I did not regard it as attributing to predestination, just an arena where forces beyond the conscious mind were given an opportunity to act. The significance to me here now, is that this was the only individual I encountered that I had a profound attraction to, and I could pick up on him unconsciously like a homing beacon. I even used this sense of him, which I couldn’t feel at all, to find him downtown twice in a row, which I have to admit is stalking, but not in the form that was imputed. I deserve far more credit than that.   

Unfortunately this scared him out of his mind, assuming he was being stalked by TP. It wasn’t really my fault, except for those two instances, and the only reason I was driven to do that was because I had no way of contacting him, and I wanted to refute his insinuations. -Hopeless.  Anyway, my whole point for recording this was for one thought, which was that I jokingly told myself, You know, on the basis of what happened with Kevin, you know that you can do this, if you have a strong enough reason for finding him, you can walk into him on the street. Can you imagine tossing your life and savings on the basis of such a presumption? Besides, whereas it may work with an individual of the same locale within the bounds of a common destination in a community of 300,000, I’m not about to bet on it in London, even Dublin. See, I might chance this with Bono, on the basis of common hang-out, meaning maybe a run-in at the Kitchen. I wouldn’t  stand a snowball’s chance in hell in any other circumstance. [Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha….]

Am I really going to be expected to gamble, on faith, on something so nebulous as my own unconscious sense of someone I am potentially linked too? -Over thousands of miles? It’s whimsical to think that I would believe in this enough to let events flow, and just casually buy my plane ticket, and go, and walk in with the expectation that it naturally would be conjunction of circumstance. I may drive downtown with faith in that event, but purchase a plane ticket across the ocean? Are you kidding? That’s just not fair.

Assume that if it’s true, you’ll find him. The link here is much stronger than attraction, over years and thousands of miles. Am I just supposed to rest on that, if I can find no other means? Like I said, I was venting at the thought that this was cruel and unusual punishment.

It left me very upset.