a note about the rave

Nov. 28th '98 - First, the cops searched everyone, confiscated your vitamins, your water (even if it was sealed), and held your possessions, and you could not go in or out. I reamed them out on the violations of my personal freedoms one by one. Like all raves I found this one uncomfortable and E did not alleviate it. I do not cooperate with the scene, in other words I do not go about the room assenting about what a great trip I’m having too, I’m judging the situation, not necessarily thrilled, and I am very quiet to the point of anti-social. Anyway, E, when it is not laced, does not provoke dancing and really operates like a smooth, mild version of acid. I was not comfortable doing acid at a rave (a mistake I only made once), and I was not comfortable on E the same way. Really, all the E did was trip me out on the pretty lights and projections for most of the evening. There were three really trippy UV lights, large ones that for some reason (and this isn’t the drugs), look like they have a web of bolts of purple light exuding from them if viewed from a distance. There was a laser too, and a mirror ball. I circuited the room, and over and over I would end up in the best space for the next laser projection. The best part was standing at the side of the mirror-ball when the laser was shining on it and having the deflected bolts, which were coming across in a perfect arc, repeatedly cross the path of my eyes. Oooooh.

The Issues: I dance differently from most people, and this attracts attention.

Selecting a space to dance in is a simple act that invariably invokes association with the surrounding people, as if you commit the act of selecting. Dancing is not a basis to select anyone. For that reason I refuse to select the ones I like, know and am comfortable with, because I feel that sort of selection is unfair. So when it came to dancing I did not really care, nor was I comfortable, until after I had turned all of my “acquaintances” (Ross figured prominently) down (in the sense that I did not want to inflict them with the decision, or be inflicted with their decision about me in turn) and managed to make my own way, which took more than two hours. There were about three thousand people. -Hard adjustment. Besides I think of raves as devoid of connection (for the most part) and spirituality, more like operating in a vacuum. It is amazing, when you’re still, how much the scene peters out with nowhere to go. Lots of pointless milling; it’s not pretty, and I kept moving just to hide the stillness, because it made people so uncomfortable to be around me, no kidding. If I stood in a space for more than seconds, in proximity to someone who knew me by dancing, or otherwise, that person would vanish. It really became so transparently pointless. People are not managing to break things down and connect, me being the case in point. All this gets reflected back on you and that’s really not pretty. People take your silence and stillness as alienating and empty, devoid of positive energy or contribution.

So then I finally began moving. I kicked in and truly enjoyed it. It was funny, ‘cause as soon as I did that, you could feel a shift, more and more people were dancing, and suddenly they had video projections of a female silhouette dancing in swaying motions that I myself use regularly, and was devising in a much more complex format right then. None of the ravers dance like that. They then put the same figure up on the back ceiling with the laser. The silhouette remained up for about two hours. The laser went between the female figure and a star for nearly half an hour. I had to smile at it.

At this point I was joined by Alex which was as natural, in its own sense, as breathing, ‘cause we instinctively work with each other now. He knows how not to cross my lines. Alex first presented me with his new beau (a male of perfect lines, Alex approached hiding behind him, and the creature puckered seductively). It was the first time Alex has done that, and I had to smile at the dichotomy of accepting Alex. I felt Alex was reading my mind too close for comfort, for he noted my reaction and went, really? He was toying with me a bit, hitting latent sexual undercurrents and tempting me with the sight of his trophy. I asked him, directly, if he thought I’d ever chosen a man on that basis, and said that I already had turned down perfect lines. He also was grinning like a cat, invoking the you know it’s you bit. He said You’ll figure it out. (-Yeah, and if he knew what he’d piss his pants.) He also concluded and said that the reason it took me so long was because I lack confidence, and while that may stop me from being with the best, I don’t think of it as being that simple. He is seeing it the same as me and laughing because he has regarded me in this fashion for some time. He confessed to having been in ballet, which was sweet. He also referred to the crowd as lemmings, and was startled when I laughed uproariously. When we knew it was time for him to go and that the visit was over I gave him a courtly little bow from the waist. He left by going down on his knees and putting his hands in the traditional prayer supplication. (He had to go ‘cause his boy-toy became a little uncomfortable with our bond.) When I first “met” Alex, and this happened well after a proper introduction, it was moments after I had been dancing at an after-party with Phil at Rumors. I was dancing with my eyes momentarily closed, and opened them in startle-ment because Alex had snuck up and was holding me around my thighs, on his knees. It was a bit of a shock.

Dancing at the rave was fine and good. I had good dance encounters with a number of women at the rave, talked to “regular guys” and girls too, saw many people I know but do not talk to, and danced with two fine Asians.