January 3, 2001
"Soul Power" – "The Soul as Living Proof"
THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO STEP OFF THE EDGE
The Sanctification Principle Revised (Original, 36 pgs.)
I awoke as a mote awareness in a void sailing a course through infinity. I recognized there were other motes. I’d shifted the path by coming awake and by reaching the other motes, expanding my own universal awareness in the void. Because it was void it was like becoming your own universe.
I woke up at home and the capsule awareness opened up inside.
When I arrived it was the Kingdom of Heaven for the first time, I realized this was the big one, and started tabulating real quick, who all’s here? Well, let’s start a list, in fact, assuming this consciousness is real beyond your perception, let’s expand it and make it anyone who can potentially sense and access this state, OK? –Got it. Now let’s expand this awareness as far as it can possibly go. Now what you’ve expanded, here, is your own perception of heaven, right now, you’ve expanded your awareness (soul) so it’s very, very big. So what you’re doing, is you’ve encapsulated their souls in your own awareness in such a way that their soul is substituted into your own sanctified state, so they can see it. (They is an assumption of whoever, you’re believing and operating on an assumption of what you can’t even sense, you don’t even know if anyone’s actually there.)
All this was performed almost automatically. You see I'd been thinking in terms of this awareness existing for nearly three years now. I'd conceived of it as a consciousness already at the acid stadium gig with the medium in November 1992. That was where I made my first attempt. By now I had a number of people who I believed had accessed that consciousness. This wasn't an attempt; it was an arrival with all my preconceptions assumed and in place.
"Saturn" turned his back on this awareness; he could not trust it. He growled under his breath, "We shall see." And proceeded to destroy me. In the course of this dismemberment "Saturn" faced me with the Gates of Hell, and things just went downhill from there. I'd never experienced such psychic pain in my entire existence, and never shall again. It was so bad and so totally isolating that my response to it was, so this is what it is like (to be crucified).
The thing was, I was trapped, because I had already spawned my expanded, pristine consciousness inside. I'd tried to connect it to an unlimited potential number of people, in terms of space I'd tried to expand it past the furthest depths, past everyone. My entire function in existence was preserving my internal awareness so that it was completely pristine, so none of the souls that might have been inside my awareness were touched at all. And I did that no matter what ("Feel the Quiet River Rage" – Live). Things got worse, much worse. Then I saw the future; I saw a number of things. What I saw in the future was so bad that I’d rather kill my consciousness than live. Basically in that space I made a number of significant conclusions, the first one being that in order to avoid that future, I was going to have to sever myself out of it completely, which meant cutting one's self out of the present. I decided I’d rather die to my consciousness inside my head, then face the possibility of entering a schism, or becoming false. What dawned on me here, was that there was only one way out of this question. This consciousness I’m developing, which can be so scary in its implications, there’s just one way to know where it’s coming from, whether it’s self, or it’s beyond self. You have to cut it off yourself. You have to see if it can come back all by itself, without your involvement in any way.
The only way I could step off the edge, and survive, was if I reduced myself solely to the depths of the expansion my own consciousness had achieved, and then rose through accessing others. I had to believe totally in my own inherent purity, and have no fear. In order for my faith in my own restoration to have redemptive capacity at all, it had to be total. There could be no other recourses left open for me. Isolation, on principle, had to be complete. If it weren’t complete, you wouldn’t actually be stepping of the edge now would you? This edge had to be real for faith to be absolute. For redemption to exist as a real possibility, faith must be absolute and abnegation complete. The same was true if I was to discover whether the awareness existed beyond me, that it was sustained beyond me in others and in God. The only way to perceive that, was complete abnegation and disassociation. If the union had repository in God, it would survive. I was acting on the faith that the body would be completely restored if it was supposed to be.
Redemption meant abnegating your consciousness completely so that it was reduced solely into a potential, the potential that this awareness had accessed and transformed souls as far as the furthest depths. If it could accomplish that and was solely defined by that transformation alone, then we would then have no uncertainty as to the purity of the body’s inception.
I realized by the act of severance that I would look like I had cut the thing out at the roots just when it had started breathing. I’d look like I'd killed it. In order to separate completely, successfully, I’d have to assume that perception of me. So then the thing I’d preserved against everything that had happened to me, my belief in my linked consciousness and those within it, they were going to see me as bad too. That was the final extermination of my self-identity in perception. Nothing hurt me more on this trip than the realization that what I was going to do was going to be perceived as severance. It was going to hurt whoever was linked to me in the heavenly context. ("Tear" - Smashing Pumpkins)
I don’t do anything halfway. If the only way I was going to come through was via transformation, then everything else got cut. The irony being that I knew this was the only way this awareness had to survive. I made these conclusions, and then it was like letting the blade fall. I cut it. With that all perceptual awareness of what I believed of myself was exterminated. It's more refined and far reaching than dying, because you can't even perceive, or thereby define, what you did to yourself, so how can you determine a way "back"? It was forever. Because there was no way back that I could perceive. Because the whole point, was not being able to perceive a way back. That’s what complete disassociation in your own perception means.
"Mother, I carried myself up the mountain, in my own arms. And five men came out . . . " -Jane Siberry, "Oh My My".
There were five artists with common references to this particular event. They refer to it as a car crash, or a plane crash. A number of them, and others, were aware of my own perception in this context that I was "dead". Or damned. Or that I was so far gone they couldn't find me at all. ("Where has you heart gone to?" -Tear) Billy C. pretty much hit the nail on the head when in reference to the ‘motorcrash’ he said, "heaven is to blame for taking you away" (Tear). Of course he’d sorta hit the nail before, with "love is suicide". Of course he sorta did that a lot.
Since then I’ve got someone with a bug’s eye objective view, who calls it a plane crash, and recognises that I did pull it off, which was nice. (Mike Scott – "Love Anyway") What he saw was the other point, that it set the whole thing free of all the apparent risks. If you do this the whole world will not explode. The implications were writ large. I like Depeche Mode’s version, which would hardly appear related except in my own context. The song is "It’s Only When I Lose Myself". Seeing as this was the event where I lost myself, (and was found, eventually, in someone else, -which is the lyric, it's only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself), it hits especial aptitude that the video shows a series of cars in ordered dismemberment. Execs laughing in euphoria beside the artful arrangement of their broken car. Car crash indeed. That’s the difference between an accident, and an assumed death. It’s a lot less messy. We will all be laughing beside the "wreck".
When I really knew I’d done it was when Jesus & Mary Chain showed up with "degenerate". They called it a car crash too, I did the car crash, she did the car crash, we did the car crash. I said the police, I kissed the police, I killed the policeman. My mother killed my darkened soul, my mother killed my darkened soul, my mother lit my darkened soul. I was the bad scene, I was the bad gene, I was the bad dream. My lover touched my darkened soul, my lover touched my darkened soul, my lover lit my darkened soul. And now I know just where it goes. The song fit completely the dynamics I’d tried to apply to the collective awareness that night in an attempt to give vantage to Heaven, before "Saturn" annihilated me. It helps, too, that they mentioned my short name, which I use in company, elsewhere ("stardust remedy"), as in I was lost but now I know I’m found, I don’t need no rainy day, all I really need is Sister Ray, which admittedly they could have come up with otherwise. This singular pattern between myself and The Chain was my baseline, upon which the whole redemption rested. The bargain I could not bend. "Mother" typifies the redemptive process, and "Lover" typifies the marriage process. (Check out Gregg Alexander's "Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough"; he does exactly the same thing.) I performed functions on the trip, I "killed" their souls by disassociating completely (they were a part of me and they "died" with me), then lit them by encapsulating them in the pristine awareness (the isolate potential).
So the beauty of this is that it was an open construct, which only worked if they themselves perceived it, on the inside, as recovering their souls. It was pretty scary (fucking understatement that), to step off the edge, knowing it would only work if they themselves perceived it as such, and you couldn’t sense them at all. Didn’t even know if they were there, other than having the faith that the union in the unconscious was real. Besides, how do you know if it would work for them, something you’d devised inside your head? And what if it just ended up in the empty nether? The thing was, the link, at this point, was completely unproven and I knew it. Try to imagine being cornered in such a manner that you were forced to put absolute faith in the existence of something you regarded as a potential reality, a level below possible reality. It would become a reality by the act itself, or prove itself non-existent. Imagine staking your whole belief in your consciousness, even your sanctity and redemption, on its existence in that context. I don’t know if you can imagine the terror of entering this rationally while simultaneously being judged out of existence. The urgency of "Now". Acting in terms of potentials, means acting in terms of what you think may be happening outside of your perceived existence, (and in terms of potential outcomes), on the assumption that awareness can act beyond perception, and in fact reach other perceptions. Those were the realms I was playing in, and those realms are, by definition, beyond life. Now we know there is existence beyond our perception, outside life, seeing as we can transmit there. Which means there is existence beyond humanity. Which verifies the potential of existence beyond death.
Those were pretty steep demands I placed on my own existence, the involvement of the God consciousness, and redemptive transformation.
Since we’re dealing with the transmission of a process between completely separate persons, and yet this process was perceived as one and the same, we can establish it was achieved outside of environmental inducements. That there was transmission of an active process from its progenitor, to a recipient, and yet despite the process had the same definition in both participants establishes that the definition exists beyond any human inducements or conceptions. Neither of us made this up on either side of the equation, yet it was common and real for both. Essentially we achieved common perception beyond our respective perceptions, beyond human perception itself. How can the same perception transmit beyond either party’s perception? And if it does, doesn’t that veritably establish it’s real, above and beyond any form of communication? And if you can pull that off without communicating, doesn’t that establish its reality beyond how events were construed? I mean if you achieve transmission of an active belief, beyond all perceived modes of transmission, that means all the accoutrements of perception did not transmit; no one was assuming, or being affected, by anyone’s point of view. The awareness transmitted beyond perception; hence it was purely awareness. Hence there is no way to argue that the awareness was humanly induced. Hence there is no way to argue that it was assumed. Hence there is no way to argue it was false. Having put the entire awareness through redemption, and having had elements of the body respond to this as I’d projected, means that even whether the beginning was in response to false environmental conditions the fact that I reacted in terms of its being real makes it real via redemption. This is the trick to complete disassociation. It was solely my own awareness that transmitted, it was not contingent on anyone else for its existence. It’s a paradox though, because what you’ve come through is someone’s perception of his or her own reception of grace via the unconscious. It is this transmission that makes it real.
When I stepped off the brink, what I really was doing was taking the step of defining this collective awareness as a self-determining body, beyond myself. The people who were born again were people I’d already recognized as potentially part of the body, who considered themselves beyond grace. The fact that they underwent transformation in the absence of my involvement (I was "dead") means it was their free will choice. This means that the body is capable of defining itself. They defined their own restoration through altruism. This means the body is capable of seeking and attaining personal definition, a unified constitution. It also means they are active in defining it. The fact that it is capable of actively defining itself means I can embrace it as a collective. Hence I can apply the injunction as I see it; I'm free to institute it according to my original intent, seeing as it became contingent, solely, upon the transmission of my awareness. I apply the marriage to the collective.
Perhaps I haven’t made it clear, the union. The union was the All. I defined it as a universal marriage, if that be possible. This is what had conceived itself in 1992, between two individuals who received separate commands about a marriage, which he said was ‘you, ourself, and I, everlasting love’. ‘Ourself’ was the All. It was an unlimited potential that embraced potentially anyone who could sense it; they chose themselves. There is an analogy for this in Christian belief: it is the marriage of The Bride and The Lamb, Christ and The Church, where Christ exists in all as the Body.
That is where the definition for the marriage pattern came from. Originally the marriage had been something tangible, for me, but it had transformed into this abstraction which was undefined. Now it was a common universal awareness in the unconscious, established in love via the redemption. The redemption had proven the abstraction was real, one could exist as an awareness in other people that affected them tangibly in love. This apparently over the top declaration of the S.P. is not simply a pie in the sky horn toot, in fact it is indicated by the circumstances. I am in them and part of them to the point that they acknowledge I am there; it’s in the words already. (And did I feel you deep inside, I tried and tried and tried and tried, and didn’t I feel you deep, The Jesus and Mary Chain, "I can’t find the time for times". So too said Live. So too said The Charlatans and Trent, and these are not the only ones.) I am one with them to the point where they even assume my voice. (This is no where more apparent than with Corgan. Not only had he declared in an interview that he didn’t think male bands could cover a number of his songs because in them he felt he was assuming a feminine voice, this time he was inside my state of mind so far it was as if I wasn’t there at all, because he’d assumed my awareness so completely. And then he added, here we are still trading places . . . and that he’d discovered he was just humming someone else’s favorite song!)
It’s a union that defines itself by existing as a common awareness, and that common awareness was verified as a sublimation of my awareness, when it became common without being transposed (the redemption).
All of this traces back to a basic, internally made assumption, that there could be a universal awareness based in the universal unconscious, based on a singular attempt, an attempt to form a universal marriage. The union as a universal marriage was what was chosen to realize. It was the only, natural consequence to me based on the evolution of the Divine injunction.
Because it is responding, then, based on internal conceptions, to my reality, the only place it attains cohesion, where the links are all present, is inside my mind alone. Without the reality of my being, there is no unity to the ideas, there is no link at all. This is not an egotistical assumption; it is the reality of the interaction. Inside my mind I already think of myself as host to a world of interacting people, the invisible city, the web that joins its threads in my mind.
Conversely, however, where is this actually taking place? It is taking place in the minds of other people thousands of miles away. They are treating my existence in their terms, responding how they see it, and they treat it in a host of different ways, some personal, some detailed, some not. The situation stands as this; it is whole inside my head, but exists entirely beyond my consciousness; it is occurring in removed facets around the globe. Yet their inspiration is either treatment of myself and my situation, or of common ideals, or else sometimes they even assume my voice and speak as I would. They’ve even put my thoughts in quote lines.
The simple mechanics of the situation can be put quite plainly: It’s the same as being all in one and one in all. (‘all are you, you are all, all with you, you in all’ – Glass and the Ghost Children)
I’d taken the liberty of labeling this awareness myself, as a universal marriage. (Seeing as that had been the form of its inception, that liberty was a given.) The basic mechanics are the same; marriage symbolizes two people becoming one body. I was not implying anything else from the tradition; it is a spiritual common awareness, existing as one, which the Christian tradition in fact alludes to. These were the mechanics I’d been using from the beginning. How you were supposed to generally relate inside that on an earthly plane struck me as a pickle, but obviously this was a marriage dynamic, that had been what was first commanded, that was what it had become in 1992, and that was what was being fulfilled, literally, at the spiritual level. It is the only way I thought of it. All in one and one in all is a universal marriage, analogous to The Church in Christ.
There was an unspoken flip side implication in The S.P. document, which made it something like the dual edged sword of truth. All this tooting had to do with a singular moment, one where I’d stepped right off the edge, but the only edge I could designate under the circumstance was that it was like stepping off the edge of perception itself. (Ca. Thanksgiving, 1995.) Of course this seems pretty preposterous and impossible. Except that I knew the edge, and I knew what was below it. I knew what the ones below would cackle when I fell, that they’d crow now you know what it is, to be us. I could already sense it. For with that step I would lose all meaning and everything I believed in. And I knew I would only rise again based upon my own essential purity. And I knew that I was putting myself out so far, I’d be beyond the cacklers themselves. And I knew that if any one of those fallen was in fact elect, trapped in an endless perceptual cycle of destruction they could not unloose, the arrival of my aspect would break in like a shaft, provide a pristine vantage to a pure existence, what one had been, for I had just accessed a pristine reality that I saw as heaven. And I knew that the way I would rise, was when the trapped ones reacted to what they felt, and in turn acted in altruism to recover me. Through this vantage they would recognize an original perception of reality and themselves that they had lost. Which would only happen if I were right about them, that some were fallen too. And if I was correct about my own essential purity. So I placed absolute belief in them, and I placed absolute belief in myself.
On the selfsame day where I wrote the nucleus to the above, that transmission beyond perception established its reality beyond any respective perception, I was greeted by an offering, the new release of Trent Reznor arrived on the shelves. I had been waiting for it a long time.
Trent articulates the purest form of rebellion to the God order extant, the purest articulation of hate. Yet Trent was linked. His articulation of the arch-type (the feminine anointed/moon/June) was the complete inversion of the arch-type; he practically described her as the blood drinker of souls, putrescence itself. There was a full spectrum potential of response inside the psychic funhouse mirror, the feedback reflection. Trent was its most extreme deviance. As such Trent was the furthest indication of how far you could go. It was the transformation traced within The Fragile that let me know just how far I had gone. I had achieved common identity. I had fallen. I had gone past him. He knows I am beyond him. He responded precisely as I had projected. I really had stepped off that edge. So the day I wrote what the implication of stepping off that edge was, was the self-same day I received confirmation I had done it.
Furthermore the implication I had written that day, what having done that accomplished, meant that Trent’s rendering of her as the vampire of souls was irrevocably false. It was only based on his perception. The purity of awareness inside ‘the Fragile’, was not. It inherently could have not transmitted, if it was false. If perception had in no way tainted the transmission, there was no way it was a false image of purity. I could not have contrived it as a deception, nor could I have been deluded, as that would have been part of my perception.
(There’s no one in existence, in this instance, other that Trent, who would be more likely to assume falsity, or deception. That’s his accusation in itself, that she is wholly evil. It’s his entire perception of her. Therefore if that was his regard of her already, it’s pretty much impossible to think that he wouldn’t have assumed it, if it bore a shred of truth. If that’s his perception of her, what transpired to alter it, especially since he was deliberately joined in the depths? Why did he not retain his original perception, which was the totality of his belief? Why, if it were true, did the reality of the fallen not assimilate with the reflection?)
In fact what had happened was just the opposite, the advent of my awareness caused him to respond as I’d projected, in true altruism, all he was capable of. As it had caused a transformation in him that was tangible, cleaved a totality of blackness with a shaft of light, it is manifestly impossible that his evil rendering of her could have any precedence over the light one.
And that was the dual edged sword of the truth. Once it is an established truth, truth established by transmission beyond perception, it achieved a form of existence beyond all respective perceptions. All the opposing renderings become false. If they continue to perpetrate themselves in the face of the truth, they become lies, by which they shall be segregated, for they generate the most heinous of untruths of their own volition, in face of the light.
I walked out of there laughing; ‘I’ve got your number.’
The real reason that altruism recovers him is not simply because it’s his act of selflessness, it’s because it confirms my faith in him, and my faith in stepping off the edge was absolute. This is not faith as belief; it is that selfsame faith utilized as a device. (How can you be said to exist in faith, if you are not prepared to act irrevocably on the basis of that faith?) That faith had proven true with respects to myself, because indeed it had resulted in the transformation of souls, (a potential I’d imagined possible. I’d attempted the ‘car crash’ as stood with J&MC, and had the ‘correct’ outcomes. So that faith had not been false.) I’d believed in Trent (in fact he’d been unnamed, it dealt with an open potential), with the same faith I’d believed in myself, and that faith asserted that some were fallen, not eternally damned, and could be recovered, and that these would respond with altruism. That Trent’s action fulfilled this potential of his own volition, without knowing what it was, verifies his potential to be saved, for it sprang from his own heart. By his own heart he establishes that he is what I defined him as. That is how I got his number. The song that follows ‘the Fragile’ is a beautiful soaring instrumental that just goes up and up and up. It is titled Just Like You Imagined . . .
In redemption is captured the paradox between the orchestration of circumstances, the potentials, and yet complete autonomous free will. Those potentials were sent into a void of the senses, the empty nether, more invisible than the air. They were only received if they affected and were perceived as such.
I’d danced with the dark one and won. The day he hit me with his entire arsenal, I had the refutation, I went out and wrote it; I’d already figured it out. That is why I walked out saying, "I’ve got your number."
Once in 1994 when I was on an ill advised mushroom trip (the supplier was trying to seduce me, then I saw he had a pentagram tattooed over his heart – needless to say, the conversation was pretty damn heavy), I got asked what my essential ambition in existence was. I responded; I want to become the opposite without becoming the Devil. My interrogator laughed and said that was impossible. She who laughs last laughs best.
What lengths did I go to, in order to prove this to myself, to find out whether the framework inducing my perception was real, or just my own transposition?
There was one potential for restoration, the true test. A transposition would not be transformative; it would only propagate itself as a reflection, a mirror image. Which in this context, when I’d reduced myself, would have been the same as being rendered as darkness. If the dimensions I thought in had been delusional, and my conclusion about my circumstantial environment, that it had damned me falsely, had been mistaken, I would be rendered in the black, or there would be nothing at all. The reflection would have been the same as disappearing into a mirror. I would have in no way affected the Chain, let alone affected them exactly as I had projected, if I was damned, if what was going on was an ego reflection. I was stripped of everything except my essential existence, self-belief in purity. An impure motive would have assimilated with its environment, it would have been called (just the way Trent called it), because that is where you were. (Everywhere else I’d vanished.) It could not alter people internally (cause them to be born again), or change their perception of you (cause Trent to produce two perceptions), nor could it affect multiple people differently, if my perception was just being assimilated.
If Trent’s perception of you was real, it was the correct one; it would not have changed. I believed it was something more, that the connection was real, that it was emotional, that my motivation and essential existence was pure. I believed in this enough to stake my own salvation on this outcome. The connection had to exist for me to come back, my restoration would only happen if there was a universal consciousness. By this I may attest that my perception is real, not delusion, and not a magnified delusion. You can never tell me that I am somehow possessed, that something "out there" is perpetrating and conceiving this awareness for evil purposes. Not when the sole transmitted dynamic was a redemptive, sanctifying dynamic, and it came back to me exactly how I’d designed it with my name on it. That’s how the mirror disappeared. It is not assimilation of a reflection because if it was, inherently "the reflection" could not transform. If it had been a reflection that was happening inside them, assimilation, they would not alter. It is not based in my falsity or impurity because if it were, it would never have transformed them, the ones who considered themselves to be beyond grace, which was the range I deliberately isolated my potential existence to. And if I was deluded and there was no universal union, obviously this would have never transmitted successfully across the globe, exactly as I’d designed it. There’d have been no connection at all.
I cut myself off and fell in the certainty I was not, in fact fallen, that I would meet Grace, having performed as grace. In fear for their own soul, no one else would dare. They’d assume they would just keep falling. They would never have the courage to jump; to believe that the construct they had set up was real in others. They would not accept the consequences of the fall on their existence, one way or the other, either Grace, or you deserved it. And that is my distinction, conscious entry into judgement, coupled with the conscious application of Grace. I was not groveling in the muck. I rose as I fell, to save my own fall. No one in history has ever saved her own deliberate fall, done it in an application of faith, to accept and escape total judgement. No one has ever accepted the full consequence of their existence as fallen and had the wherewithal to escape.
Verily verily, I say unto thee, unless a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. John 3:3
I never declared my experience of the entry of Christ because this experience was internal, and thus entirely subjective, but Jesus and Mary Chain’s description of being born again, and ascribing this to Sister Ray, implies it was not ("I Can’t Find the Time for Times"). They would not have experienced being born again otherwise. In that instant Christ conferred provable sanctity to the Body, which is transcendent of time and place. In fact because Christ’s entry was at the apex where the redemptive dynamic was a transcending reality, it defines the collective itself, as His Body. It can even be inferred that the transformation itself is the breadth of the entry of Christ’s awareness, what made it His Body, what would make it a Church.
The Sanctification Principle, Dec. 16th, 1999