Dear Martin

Because an opening letter has no revisions, the revisions for "Dear Martin" are going into these two columns: 

p. 24: (I trusted Bono because rest assured, he always knew exactly when and how to lecture me. I respected him immensely.)

p. 59: (He’s a guitar god. You’re both amazing composers. You have the voice of an angel.)

p. 86: But what occurred to me on second thought during Part 2 was, perhaps he needed the purity that came from being with someone who was born after the connection began with him inspirationally between me and him.

p. 111: I only existed in terms of themselves.

p. 116: Damn, Tim, a lot more than I thought… “I Love the New Sky” released May 22nd, 2020)

p. 119: Wow. [Billy p]roved me wrong as fast as I said it!! Not artistically, but on the record. -At least he said that much! -Plus explanations. Funny to have tried to put him to the mat over what for him was just an exercise.

p. 124: For the record, I fired a duplicated missive to both Santa Barbara and Beverly Hills locations on Saturday, December 5th at closing time at FedEx, -6:00 pm (they don't agree). Yours arrived on Thursday at 11:33. (Yes I have the receipt.)

p. 125: Here I am, laughably, faced with the individual who apparently only believes we’re The Third Chimpanzee. I suppose the potential of female sexuality wasn’t the only existent potential arch type, then, that you’ve been consciously mining for all it’s worth the entire three decades I’ve “known” you.  You were also mining a second element you never once believed in. That’s fine, the afterlife may very well prove you right instead of me, but you’re still going to be stuck with me, because I bloody exist, mate, and no one bothered to navigate that yet. Maybe that’s because no one wants to and I will be alone for eternity having been universally shunned.  Maybe all this was just a coping mechanism, -which is bloody staggering in its own right.

Because one of these revisions was big, it is one column:

p. 123 - I’ll tell you one thing, I’ll be in the position of responding, how can anyone even think they’ve got some “in” when it comes to relating to me when it didn’t matter that I was alive for my entire lifetime -? It didn’t matter if I was forced to internalize everything for 20 years? It didn’t matter if I was at risk for my life, raped, whether my children were terrorized and/or raped, whether the entire patriarchal s***f*** that is this society just got to steamroll us by enabling my s***f*** of a predator ex for fifteen years? When all I needed to reverse that situation was concrete proof that this was all happening from someone on the other side? And that proof didn’t matter to any of the involved (male) particulars unless it involved me as their sex object-? They didn’t give a flying f*** otherwise? I wasn’t even a person.

(Bono had the sheer audacity (-and cruelty) to lecture me about the trap he himself had chosen to make of it, (-and pretended he could still be exhortational about it….); -it wasn’t a temporary valley, -it was a life sentence, and because I was at grave risk, the personal costs to me were incalculable.)

So my attitude post life will be, it didn’t matter when I was alive, -you get to employ a double standard and assert it means something now-? -When it was you it didn’t matter to when we were alive? (In terms of Bono, -if it mattered enough to toy with, it should have mattered.) My only rejoinder for Bono will be this scripture. 

You think you didn’t run the risk of my mistrust, -that this was betrayal of a lifetime that cost a life? That’s exactly what my father did to me... my father’s existential trap retained its power and was maintained by Bono’s silence, -maintained by the lack of proof. That’s the real reason the title is “His Rope”... it was my father’s rope. The maintenance by omission, if that becomes your choice, has the potential power to make the rope yours too. 

Right now my ex is threatening to take me to court by suing Bill, which if he’s delusional enough to think it will succeed (same lawyer as the divorce, will convince him it’s possible only in order to take his money), -will be a sex shaming public stunt using the slander that Bill and I had sexual relations while I had sexual relations with my ex before 2015, which he’ll claim I did in order to put him at risk of a life endangering STD. What he of course gets out of this is nothing more than a public sex shaming exercise that gives him an unwarranted avenue to pry into and furnish his delusions about my non existent sex life. I’m hesitant whether he’d actually attempt this route, since it would involve slandering a male with money who can actually oppose him in court, and the bully is not capable of much outside of abusing me. (Attempting to sue Bill on this falsehood would be really f***ing stupid.) But he is too delusional to realize the most likely outcome is that such a public attack will out him, at long last, as a paranoid delusive systemically stalking psycho. (I think so lowly of the court system here I expect this will produce zero outcome in terms of registering that custody with him puts his children at risk.) I am still going to be forced into the time consuming exercise of demonstrating reality, which is the point. The pig has no existence now aside and apart from attempting to consume my own life. 

Thom has cut the rope figuratively. It’s a metaphor that’s exists now to help you to decide to actually do it. -That the feedback had told me, -that Thom has told me, that is what tells me it is the right thing, -regardless of what anyone else knows about or decides to do in this instance. (I am forgiven.) But to me the only way this proves real is by stepping into the room and thereby making it veritable. -That’s actually cutting the rope. My existential circumstance is literally miles of f***ing rope. My father bound me with all of it. 

One of the very last tracks to play on the random, (I wish I had the playlist for the going home commute that afternoon), was by The London Suede, “Don’t be Afraid if Nobody Loves You”.  (That and “As One”.) And I felt it was put there by Someone who expects no outcome from this, -who expects me to remain as invisible as He is; -that this will disappear without a ripple, and was telling me not to be afraid if that’s what happens to me.

Revisions to Martin Part 2: 

p. 12: -No really. Since when has sexual reciprocity in terms of sexual pleasure ever mattered to any male as to make it a priority this much-? (The answer is no, it never has, but it actually mattered creation-ally. Men didn’t give a flying f*** about how we were made, nevertheless, we were made as we are. Credit where credit is f***ing due. Yet we regard God as patriarchal.)

p. 39: And for someone who said at the outset, You cannot resurrect me with something You can in no way answer for, it is proof positive I’ve been proven dead wrong, and obviously there’s some satisfaction in that.

p. 40: October 18th, Sunday - ['90's version] Venus appears by the trash bin.:

p. 43: The following week neighbour Bill proves entirely unwilling to either substantiate that George has (illegally without my consent), -sent him naked texts of me in unsolicited contact, or substantiate that allegation if I mention it in filing for a protection injunction. I cannot, of course, allege anything I can’t back up in a hearing before a judge. Bill makes me angry because he was willing to lie about our interaction to a guy he says he thinks is so psycho he’s afraid he might burn down his house. Oh, so you consider my ex that significant a risk, yet you’ll deliberately provoke him by amplifying our personal interaction, spill way more than was warranted, plus pruriently prying into my non-existent sex life, all of which was capable of escalating the potential danger towards me; -and now you prove unwilling to provide any substantiation of the only thing I can potentially provide evidence of illegal behaviour; -that what my ex is doing is patterned stalking? So you’re full willing to not allow me to get a protection injunction against this psycho you’re afraid enough of you think he might burn down your property? -Males are cowards. What can I say? They are cowards and they are f***s and they are enablers to the psychos when we’re f***ed. It’s how they prefer the world. Bill doesn’t have the guts to stand up to my ex when I do. Bill’s cowardice leaves me nothing to stand on. He will do and say nothing unless forced to make a deposition by an attorney. I can’t substantiate that the cigarette stalker was my ex, and of course the following week after he said it, ex retracted the allegation that he was stalking my first ever date by saying it was all a lie. It was improbable enough that was presumably the truth.