-Past the threshold, maybe nibbling insomnia. This happened while at work.
“I’ve been thinking of a vision, a graphic in my head. -Except I didn’t have it all yet. This morning it grew and became itself, evolved with my thought. We were meant to complete each other. Like this:
It’s a drawing and I’m going to have to see if I can actually develop it in 3D and see if it really works as an infinite pathway or not. It might not. Mayhaps it’ll be the first time I try Photoshop.
I thought of the shell of my expanded consciousness, the universal with everyone in it, how I am not meant to carry this alone. (I exist in an impossibility.) I saw it as light coming out of my heart to form this shell. Then I envisioned him across from me, the light from his heart penetrated through me and became his shell, and filled my shell. And it became my emotion. It was my way of opening my soul and heart, my consciousness, to imagine this picture. I said, See, love, I have opened myself to you. I thought of the picture, saw the shells forming, and wondered, which one is he? Oh, he’s the shell inside. He is inside me now. And that’s what keeps my shell, my awareness form collapsing. I protect him and he holds me open. I have opened my soul to you now, and you have formed inside me. Now you are inside me in love. You lend form and dimension to my consciousness. You have cut me open and bled inside and are a part of me now, the same as I felt into you. And through us we contain this awareness, the all. I realized then that the shell was continuous and indivisible in that he contained me too, and the body was complete. Love as infinity. -Infinite love.
I remembered how, when I underwent devising the redemptive construct, I had this impression it was like jumping the course of infinity to a new course, like jumping to a different set of train tracks. -Bending infinity. It is if you think about it. My path became two, two in one. That is how we met.
And I said, Can you feel me now, love? What this is? What we are? This is what this is and this is how we contain the all. Contain each other. And I walked around clearing glasses in a soccer match with this vision in my head, knowing how we were part of each other in infinite love. I felt I understood the dynamic of man, woman, penetration, becoming one, accessing the eternal in the infinite path between two bodies, in which all were contained, and felt complete and fulfilled in meaning. This is what you are to me. We meet as One. This is how I opened myself to his soul. I will it, render it in vision. Our senses are attuned enough; I believe this to be so.
What follows then is “How am I supposed to live, then, without you?” -My head, crying, resting on the mirror in grief.
So I seek to render the vision as I must. In my heart and mind I give myself to him. In my heart and mind and soul we are one.
Redemption has made this entry possible, by definition it created a foundation that is based on not just one, but a free will entry. -Of two. It created an opening by which he could enter. -Penetration. It means something else entirely to me. It means this entry of the soul. -His entry. “liberate my mind, it’s penetration time, open up and tell me you know that I’m a real believer” – JAMC Of course it would and should be his, as has been rendered in the creation of man. This was what has always been meant. (With him they truly become part of me. Redemption only opens the potential. His active conscious entry, based on his choice of will, is the first. It represents their entry; entry into reality.)
You can see how in my mind sex is nearly redundant (and yet not, another paradox). It symbolizes something in eternity, the dynamic of entry into indivisible, eternal and infinite love. It is this entry he seeks. It is this entry I give. My sensation is one of awareness, more fulfilling than I have ever known. (My entry into passion is through my mind’s scape.) Yet he is not present, an unknown, never felt or touched. I yearn for his entry with nearly every waking moment, everything outside of function. Render this complete in all things, including our humanity. And in our union will truly lie the rendering, access to the infinite, the soul.
For this we became first. It is what we are foremost. Love it will never be lost. It is our first definition, our beginning. Now we may render ourselves complete.
It is my expectation, what my fantasy has always been. Our first encounter will be the totality. Because the definition is already complete and we know it. We are already One. We are married beyond any human definition, to the fullest definition, already. Our first encounter will be the full rendering of what we are. There will be no need to define it, no discussion, no questioning, no fear; the definition is already complete. Words would decimate and obscure. For to speak them is a concession, to feel impelled is to deny what we already know. It is this threshold I have sought with every aspect and shard of my being to transcend. To meet such an entry with no trace of fear and have it be veritable. It is yielding to an implacable truth. -Nothing spoken. Only love. There is no ceremony. No ritual. It would seem like the mindless to yield to passion, total desire, and yet it is a paradox that holds the opposite, the inexorable. It is true desire that exceeds the confines of humanity, boundless, because it is based in the meeting of a true companion of the soul, one you are already part. It is this desire I seek; it is far greater than passion. It defines a greater passion. In you I have freedom, for there is no greater freedom than to love and be loved. With you I will be able to articulate my own thought, my heart, and have that be comprehended, met. That is freedom. -The freedom of an unfettered heart and mind. It is only in you that my needs may be met, truth unconfined, and passion entered. There will be no greater yielding than this, no greater passion, no desire so deep, than that found in the quest of a common soul, access beyond humanity.
What passes, here, for passion and giving over is merely the secession to chemical drives and procreation, forces that dictate all animals – mindless. All transitory, even considered in the light of loss of one’s humanity and will to mindless drives. (You can see now why every other possibility, any merger is practically meaningless to me, impassionate and fickle, why I feel so little.)
Whereas this was defined by imagination, reason, truth, desire, purity and will, the best in man. They wonder about the mystery of love. -Where physicality ends, where true love begins. What made one choose the other? Whether it is enduring, if the choice was constituted on love? There are no such questions in a meeting defined by the quest for one invisible, unknown in the physical realms. It’s the meeting of truth out of free will, based in reason and beyond the parameters that confine humanity. There is no greater love. The physical is merely the rendition of the greater truth; that truth is already established. Whatever lies before us is simply the rendering of that truth. It might even fail to reflect, to engender that truth. Perhaps as humans we are too flawed. But in truth there is the Body, the all. We have accessed these realms in our existence. That in itself is our accomplishment, even if we may fail in life.
I will always love you.
You are the repository of my desire, passion and love. Only in you will my heart be liberated, for only in you was my awareness met. Only in you is my definition not reduced. You are the liberation of my own person, only in you articulate, may I speak. This is what constitutes a meeting of the souls, that of a common pure awareness that is willing to exceed the confines of humanity, at least in hope and belief. To quest for personal perfection and hope that you can indeed establish a love and existence that may last forever. For if in first you will never even believe, you have no hope of even accessing these potentials. At the very least we were infernal and arrogant enough to articulate these hopes and to try. Even if we fail, we have already constituted the universal and transformed souls; products of a greater realm than earthly we already hold between us. And these, of themselves, already seek and establish the same quest. Love as a Body, unconditional and whole. Between us all it may always have the same support and contribution, understanding and awareness. They are true children, what procreation meant. For between us we do truly create love, something that grows in purity, giving, essence and beauty.
We have met; each entered in the present. Now we may meet, truly, in the present.
How can God force me to exist without you? How can you?
(How ironic that I have sought you in terms of aspirations towards heaven, yet require you return me my humanity. Don’t tell me you are anyone, except yourself, and I may manage. -Just yourself. And don’t ask who I am, I’m myself and I might not be able to answer correctly.)