Sent 2:17 am February 17th Full Moon
Archived 3/4/2022
Good morning. (-Ha.)
(Literally all that is to follow is entirely your own fault for refusing to ever speak to me. It is your fault for never bothering to sit down across or next to each other in say, some Irish pub, which would make the encounter far different.)
First off, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the brief appearance of your full BBC Abbey Road concert on Youtube, (only five years later)! I know this was through an official channel, (think it was the BBC). It uploaded on January 3rd and disappeared pretty quickly. It was the first time I could activley listen to many of those tracks; -I haven't been able to, and they lacked the jaundiced tinge I have of several. I could listen to them differently, for which I was very grateful, thank you! It was a beautiful concert! The orchestra was wonderful.
As you can see this is the same html page, with the most important letter you are ever going to receive. This was what I was planning to write before the ex hit the fan by hunting down my book without my consent after Christmas Day. (My son texted me covertly.) This letter promises be absent any colouring or acidity caused by that event (by dispensing with it forthwith), after all apart from having endured this individual just re-introducing trauma to my life every way he attempts to force engagement for fifteen years because he has no life apart from this obsession, I've zero clue how this episode is going to unfold.
I don't know if you've read either the book or Martin Gore's letter, which covered events from where the book ends in 2007 to 2020, (or beyond), and what follows is based on the presumption that maybe you have. I am here to discuss my spaghetti string assumptions upon which all of this rests. Of course, despite my best efforts, I have never been able to confirm or discuss any of these aspects with individual parties I contacted or considered potentially involved, to discover the nature or non-existence of that perceived involvement. They all reacted the same as you did (if they were indeed reacting, same game you like to play), which means I never got to find out just what, exactly, is going on. Which means my assumptions are all I've been left with, and I never got to either affirm or dislodge them. I am talking real spaghetti strings, none more so, perhaps, than everything I managed, perhaps obscenely, to attach to my perception of you, so big and so in depth it comprised more than say a hundred thousand words. And even in the letter to Martin I think I got the age wrong it went back to, saying fourteen when it is really thirteen, given when I wrote the book I actually counted the months and timed it by release date to thirteen years of age (for me) with a certain release. (Fourteen was when I embarked on self-conception.)
My assumptions have equally walloping massive inferences I made with them, which you would know if you had ever bothered to read to the end of Martin Gore's introductory letter. (Do you have any clue what the bastard ex could do if I hadn't made these letter pages unsearchable and unnavigable?! It's never been safe at all.)
I'm beginning to presume Martin might have read his opening letter (given the nature of his bandmate’s first subsequent creative video release), as that is where I first introduced that The Rapture had already taken place. (Yes really. See Page 5.) How many times does The Rapture come up in his full letter? (It came up because of you! It happened in the book, the ZOOTV concert where I first saw you. That is mentioned in Martin's second letter on the bottom of p. 3, and that is the thought I had, word for word, beginning that moment: “This is it. This is the beginning of the Rapture.” (-Name which song! That might prove a toughie for me, not impossible perhaps, but definitely tough. It was early.) And yes, no, it was a little too scary to articulate that thought in the book. Thank God I presently did not (book’s been invaded), but because it was the tipping point listening to Martin summer 2020, I confided it to him. It was my real thought in the moment, which is why I told him. Because Martin had said so once at the moment of breaking, and Martin appeared to believe it too, in succession to what appeared to have happened mind to mind in 2000 (which again was (thanks to the video for "Dream On") in the contextual awareness of the presence of a male spiritual transcendent being who was in fact holding the female one from behind in a way she did not recognize as she reached for David instead).
"Rapture" comes up in the main body of Martin's two-part letter on p. 69, -top of p. 70, p. 76,-77, p. 91, 93, p.110-112, p. 115, p.118-119, just in case you don't think this is my term for the dawning collective consciousness that only gets mapped out in the musical feedback inside my perception, where it started in the first place. It also comes up in Part 2, when I think it is really happening (before the proverbial fall), on p. 2, 15, 19, 32.
-With the caveat that well, it only unifies inside my perception until now perhaps, as that’s contingent on who's doing the reading, starting with whether Martin (and by extension David) read it! Which means artistically speaking David Gahan’s video for “Dark End of the Street” is the most powerful point of place for this expression to have come into existence at all. In my little grand mal bet with future lyrics, the roulette wheel ball has settled where I sent a 160 plus page exposition asserting the same. Holy!!!
(Just bear in mind the monster my father unleashed in the form of my ex in my life (so my life would always be threatened/bullied into submission even if I somehow managed to escape his personal reach and subjugation of the mind) is reading as well, so this is, as per the parlance, about to get interesting, -perhaps. (If it blows over like nothing happened, I'll be the first to admit my mind's blown.))
The denouement will likely be just how little it all mattered, in that this was, to you, my preferred condition/circumstance, meaning that when it was completely within your power to let Chris Martin know what he wanted to know and maybe furnish that we met, your preference was my continued condition. Your choice, not God's, or Chris Martin would not have appeared under the exact set of circumstances he defined himself as in his own lyrics as per his own volition thanks to how he perceived God, which "just happens" to fulfill, exactly, the request I personally made of Him in my mind as per living out the remainder of my life as a fulfilled and happy one in fulfillment of our love. Ah! I have learned that God is kind! God is Love! God will answer! (Even right on my birthday.)
Man, not. And God wanted me to understand and experience love, -man not, but since my first and only consummation is to God, it is I who must accept the circumstances however they mete out, as I cannot hurt God with my desire nor loss. What I am getting at here is if you do not respond to my request here it is not a requisite accusation if you do not. I am trying here with this letter to present you with considered questions on all aspects, not determinations. That to me is what this letter is about. But the really freaky part is how Chris Martin responded lyrically is literally, every jot and tittle, what I requested of God for true fulfillment of consummation in the dialogue about [____], (we'll leave him anonymous though I think it's already obvious), between me and Him, p. 29 paragraph 3 (or thereabouts, as I am going off my original files). But there I was left with a lecture and the consideration of conscience that following this through as I thought it manifest hurt Him in terms of a personal disloyalty He wanted me to be fully conscious and aware of, the very violation of the nature of marriage.
So, I have an understanding even it if were to proceed (and it not be a mistake just to try; -but if God considers it a mistake then why did it happen), it absolutely cannot be cart before horse. In 2000 I failed to make the inferences and put the cart before the horse (probably because I was too afraid of the alternative). I thought Billy's perceived conversion (that he was even willing at that threshold, given the advent of my Mysteries saying as much, to express for the very first time [any] subsequent gospel, namely "Jesus, I" (given the bridge with "Mary Star of the Sea"), was a potential answer in respects to what happened, with his (artistic at least) state of conversion potentially entering accord. So, I presumed there could be an integration with Billy and that the transcendent answer in Machina was supposed to be answered in terms of ourselves. Pursuing it ruined my entire life in terms of ultimately leading to the encounter with my ex at the worst possible moment. I also interpreted the Mysteries in the present then as an “out" come with him being a path I potentially should not succumb to (the rewrite of "The Lost Chapter" was in reaction to the incomprehensible level of mourning my father put me through, which made it "the black seed"/possible divergence), but still I followed it, because I was really, truthfully trying to ascertain exactly what was happening, and unable to give up the only dream in life I'd ever had, that appeared wrought in that transcendent asking/answer mind to mind that appeared fully wrought with Machina. Who upon the presentiment of that happening, could have just walked away from it? I wouldn't put it that way, meaning it was the furthest thing from walk-away-able possible. It put me on the rack so far, I collapsed in third year. I couldn't give it up. I couldn't even navigably function without it. It had taken my life.
"as the snow melts outside, the snow melts within (see "Night Raid")
it's so hard to let this go, cause that snow is in my veins (one off Halloween performance live of X.Y.U., post my personal mind's resurrection post October 1998, which precipitated interpersonal asking to him mind to mind April 1999, to see if that was possible; -it was not that I saw this song then, but there were a number of signs with him of the shift in the present that didn’t exist with anyone else at the time, which the iBook lays out)
“do you believe in love, do you believe in me, do you believe in a peace, and I've known
and you found the tree, a newfound belief, a newfound tree" - A New Poetry
-And that's post-partum (post first reveal, not a childbirth) depression, after the existential paradox of the inter-personal break-up. (Yea, these things never go where I plan.)
-Once upon a time in 2000, I was going to show what was there, in that my epiphany in the present would map itself across the globe in every artist Billy respected. There was no other way to even try to save myself from consignment to being the sole eye trapped alone inside my own mind, the trap you'd consigned me to apparently, already, with refusal of any acknowledgment/communication beyond the naming of your two sons, which was indeterminate. Surely God wouldn't consign anyone to that as a life sentence, if They were appearing and transforming even this most rebelled of souls They could elevate from least to greatest in a snap. The fact that he opted intentionally to kill "June" to his entire audience just in order to maintain control of it was an utter spam of utter nonsense, a fit of puerile conceit, in relief and contrast to what was happening, which he got to see, eventually. It was not the same in the end as falling in love (after online contact resumed in 2007), though it fully appeared to be. I credit him as being the one out of the two of us who fully, consciously gave the potentiality as it existed between us up, making him a truly elevated soul. Even though landing in his presence had more in common with a dragon slaying. Back to the present.
(Billy may have changed his name to William formally, which for me is ironic, because I confided to him circa 2004 that I preferred Will. (My aversion was literally to the point where I'd once insisted to a lifelong acquaintance in a fit of pique that I'd never marry a "Billy, Brad or Greg", which I graciously did not disclose.) But in my mind he is intractably Billy, (or Bill, the spawn of his father), I suppose because that is when I knew him. It's a little like dead naming but it's an actual effort for me to change it every time. I suppose if he'd not broken up with me, he wouldn't be immortalized thus inside my own head. He's not Will to me, he's Bill, who chose to never marry me even when he said he intended "marry very soon" in real time, on his blog, before immediately erasing the statement once he knew I'd seen it, meaning he'd intended the statement for my eyes only. I liked Will.)
Back to the present. I am infinitely thankful for the imparting of the thought in the present, just that Music of the Spheres was written at all appears a Willed answer to my heart in the ultimately positive way. Maybe it's just to cherish the thought of a Being so willing to express and reciprocate my wants at their highest expression, but maybe the understanding of that is the "I Do" answer here is purely the Transcendent's in our requisite collective concourse (see song analysis), in that I really imagined this whole cockamamy marriage that only took place inside my own head and, -the music feedback is the only thing that tells me that might not have been the only place. It's the Transcendent's way of answering "I Do" (this will be much the same), and like Billy before him when my mind's asking was answered in one place/circumstance by one person, the answer might have very little to do with Chris himself, though that one song "Higher Power" indicates Chris might be fully conscious in his position, which is mind blowing. But that may be part and parcel to contextualizing the answer in the frame of what I asked. As I've said before, the only way to find out would be in encounter and in being able to talk about it. I went through Billy, meaning I was always able to take the potential hit of having it not come true, but in fact I never got to find out just what was going on with Billy and Machina/machines of God. I never got to ask. I was only dictated, and in the end that dictation was about breaking my heart.
Nonetheless, there is an existing musical feedback loop that has had me as personal object ever since I encountered you on November 3rd, 1992, namely all my adult life. It is observable. That is what I am trying to demonstrate to you personally now, so I will not be presumptive; -let's see how this plays out, as in the experiment is ongoing. So, if I am right about this in the future, this is literally the sum of what we have as observable evidence, no more or less than this. I am not even contending it will prove sufficiently, uniquely observable at this threshold. I am waiting on observable outcomes just the same as you, if you are indeed observing. It doesn't support my inferences, apart from say if the above happens and just keeps on happening, post after post after post, both the known and the unknown known, lol. At present, the ones that most mattered personally to me in terms of grounding what this is in the matrix I was wondering about (in terms of whether it was confined inside my head alone or really some sort of transcendent consummation), were already out of the start gate before I even attempted this as a public exercise, and now as perhaps then, that for me should be enough.
(Meaning even Coldplay's relevant tracks were released before I attempted intercepting the feedback loop in a public field in order to attempt to show what is going on, and the albums that said "everything" were L.I.T.A.N.I.E.S, CARNAGE, and Music of the Spheres, and of course yours truly, because that is the only thing that named me as object in that context, with you potentially in full knowledge of who I am on this earth. Meaning I was named by the [only?] one who defined me as a real, personal object from the very beginning, and by slowly, tentatively integrating me by employ of the substance of my personal communication from the point of when/where he met me in person (up to the threshold of acknowledging my book and what it meant), never ceasing to do so), -and by so doing, made me the personal object of the entire feedback loop. By concluding by naming me, you elegantly bequeathed me (in terms of my very being) with my own stratospheric surmise, within a mind's concourse of a personal seduction that you had personally orchestrated, “vertently” or inadvertently, from the time I was thirteen.
-Or will you claim that vast sum was "purely accidental"? -Guess where your intended shunt/shutdown of such query on my part rationally ends up, forced to the conclusion that absolutely none of it was conscious intent on the part of the inspired? You put that conclusion to me as strongly as Cave and Billy forced me to that rational threshold in 2000 (November 27th), you just didn't know it. You just did it differently.
None of this presently would comprise proof if presented to anyone, it would verge, in terms of assumption, on the nonsensical. I am operating on the net sum of twenty-seven years of accumulated observation, which is permitting my assumption in this moment. It would especially appear nonsensical if any of the particulars were to ground or deny any aspect through imparting the nature of their inspiration in a different frame of reference, which literally can happen or be applied and subsequently tear down any one of the foundation thresholds I experienced in the past (which has the effect of dissolution of all of it), so Thank God, perhaps, that we have already arrived at the very last one I experienced, sought and conceived that long ago, and it is coming from the informed quarter, possibly, in the present, meaning David Gahan perhaps by way of lettered Martin Gore. (Nick Cave effectively dismantled all meaning he himself wrote in describing the arrival of "Lavender Fields" for example, at first presumed opportunity.)
So, David Gahan's video for "The Dark End of the Street" is on this same present list of the sum all and be all. None of this is signed, sealed and delivered, of course, in the sense that, I/we don't know the intention behind this choice of video for this track, not even if it was (again, as has happened for the umpteenth billionth time these past twenty-seven years), merely "accidental". Or whether it may have been intentionally contrived from a standpoint of manipulation. Just like I don't know whether you intentionally juxtaposed two song lyrics that put me in a proverbial "state of nature" at Eden's gate, and stealth named me, (Biblically) at the proverbial dawn of Creation between the Sky God and the sea (Chaos), -with an active verb best described as the state of procreation; -fully knowledgeably intentionally on purpose. -And you could intentionally deny all this association was intended by you at any given moment. (I need a "boom" animated GIF that's more like a proverbial “Poof".) This is possible on any number of counts, not just you. But really it boils down to four of you having the power to do this.
This is me addressing what I consider to be the sum of those proverbial "Poofs" in the course of history (there aren't many), each one of which, to my mind, puts in the artists' capacity the power to make or break "everything". You stand alone and apart in that two of them are yours (both naming and inception), and they are the strongest possible potential points of "make it or break it". David Gahan et al could just as easily dismantle the creative effort above with respects to all this by denying any and all attribution to a certain letter. Poof, there goes the Rapture! Or is it still of consequence that it occurred independent of their individual basis/motive for arriving at that concept equivalent artistically? -Because I have the balls to lay that bet in predicting the future? (It's only a bet in terms of rational inference; -how many times has this happened with my personal communications with you lot when it was important? It's rational observation that places the bets, the implication is that it's observable.) And maybe, then, it's important to just me, right? -The person stuck regarding this interior occurrence happening on a world scale for all of my adult life? -Or is it important to you, too?
Why do you keep dropping the same dates?
What I'm getting at in all this is, the long and short of it all is that in the end, all you are left with as sum and substantiation is that there is this existing present and presently observable feedback loop that operates in real time and is saying ALL THIS and did so only in order to arrive at THIS MOMENT.
The sum of the past is one hell of a boring long-winded narrative, but there are certain thresholds which have the capacity to make it or break it. (I did address them all personally with letters, if not necessarily the right ones in that I did not direct these most pertinent questions, as I never got to, and of course they would be ignored if I did.) Your personal question is the first and foremost upon which the whole jingly jangly tumbrel rests.
Meaning we're only at the cusp of what I planned for this letter and it's taken all day.
1) In 1999 I needed to know what this lyric from this song meant to you now, and going forward, I love you 'cause I understand, that God has given me your hand", whether it was in some way somehow real to you or not that God had personally told you to do something, and whether that was gradually attaching itself to me as a removed object. (Indisputably "has", present tense, no matter what your official lyric site says, where transcribers modify entries according to their natural preconceptions about your life, even in abrogation of your life history, though they're too ignorant to know that.) I needed to know on pain of potential eternal damnation in 1999, which was what I was being threatened with at the time for even getting up the personal gumption of trying to go and ask, but never mind that.
Why was I asking? The book fully completely explains. It was because of personally encountering you in performance on November 3rd, 1992, and thinking, "This is it. This is the beginning of the Rapture." -That, and all that "just happened" to happen after that, including between me and you, right up until and continuing until this present présente, where you have used biblical verse to covertly name me by name in reference to Godly consummation/procreation in combining two verses that preternaturally aren't supposed to be that way. Same MO as 1992. That's why. That, and that you've never actively dodged this once ever since. You could have dropped this ball at any moment, and you never did, a matter of record, if only my own.
So, the caveats: I would never demand this affirmation of you. I would never expect it of you, if you thought it entered committing adultery, full stop. Neither of us would ever agree to do so, full stop.
We must weigh fully what such concrete affirmation promulgates and means.
It's not as if it mattered to me if the price out of this exacted as consequence was the existential nature of my own life, or my life. Are you kidding? (I mean of course it matters to me, but I was conditioned with a martyr complex since I was six; -it’s something I’m willing to sacrifice.) Especially since I've interiorly debated, squarely, all along that that was probably going to be the going price either way and it was probably just a matter of scale. Given my own father would have likely killed me himself first, just to stop this from happening, personal sacrifice exacted from me was always the name of the game. (I just resent if even you too choose personal culpability in such regression-ist ritualism via silence of omission. That and, as if you get paternalistic override as per which route this is personally going to take, meaning if that's even in actuality the true nature of the dichotomy to this situation, I'd like to exact maximal value out of it as opposed to the gutter minimum of my parents inflicting my fate (as opposed to letting me decide it), 'cause face it, I had a lot of existent potential.
What I am concerned about between us is what I am going to call "don't cross the streams" (which is what they end up doing in the movie, of course, in order to succeed in victory). In this instance crossing the streams is the cross over between the material self and the sacred self, which is not necessarily the sacred and the profane (at least I hope not). My ecstatic personal mind's experience (which may have merely been my own sexual reintegration happening through my mind individually as a felt projection my mind concocted in order to heal, because nothing in existence beyond myself cares if I do or don't, it all functions as a deficit of my personal exploitation) represents the ultimate crossing of those streams, and as such, has to be weighed in terms of whether it's an existential violation inevitably inflicted deliberately by my upbringing. Short and sweet, bad dilemma. Like I'd want anyone affirming that. Such personal admissions are the equivalent of disowning everything I believe, but I must face facts. I must face the past of everything I was inflicted with. I must face that if my mind hadn't been blown utterly wide open, I wouldn't have perceived you in the manner I did, meaning interpreting crossing the streams, and knowing that was what was happening, as a good thing. Short and sweet, I’m not interested in affirming a projection. (Obviously I have sound arguments it’s not that, based on the existence of a transcendent feedback loop.)
The broader problem is that even if we were personally right in this instance for this reason (being the Rapture), the recoil it’s going to inevitably cause will cause a rift potentially so great in scale as to possibly create a chasm in the faith itself. There will be a whole lot of fundamentalists who approach it no different than my dad. Here's a secondary indicator of the budding, if you will, problem, meaning not only could the fundamentalists react in extremis; the atheists have their fundamentalists too.
Trent Reznor doesn't agree with me right now at this moment or is staging a "Boo" to see how I'll bounce, I don't know which, but it's a signal of a rift at basically the most fundamental level possible, so I have no interest in affirmation that constitutes the foundation of a rift, even with individuals who fundamentally attack at an aspect that should signify eternal enmity with myself. (Billy already did that once. I took a deep breath and challenged him to his face, but I didn't start a rift.)
Like I say I've always tested this. Trent has no basis for trust and his access is a very small aspect of his sum career (literally only the points of light he had that weren't negative, being small facets of The Fragile and Hesitation Marks), but obviously that has intrinsic value to me. (The one who appeared to possibly express the “eternal” bandwidth more than anyone else, after I thought you’d destroyed everything past the point of no return, was him.) I feel that Trent, if he's taking this position isn't taking it in order to be an asshole, more like to warn me of his familiars (and warn me about himself). He's confronting me with the question that from his point of view is demanded in order to confront me on whether I've entered a personal delusion, so if he's doing it, he's (perhaps) doing so in the interest of saving me, but he's also pissed off. It is the atheist vs. believer rift, the most fundamental there is, and he believes in it at the existential level of eternal destruction of the other on the basis of falsehood. And I take it to heart because he appeared to ”know” what was happening before (the encounter of two), if you will, (got as happy as it appears he can get), and he is not treating this as a resumption. He “knew” when there was a breaking and he did not like it. (Which means I thought a reunification, even an invisible one, would work on this particular perceived breaking, as he appeared more aware of it perhaps, (at least in terms of artistic output), than anyone else. Then again I may be wrong, this may be a be a ”Boo”, a test if you will. (Billy was a stronger test though.) Let’s see what unfolds with this tour.
I don't possess anything that will operate at the level of proving him wrong and exemplifying in his mind that I haven't entered a falsehood, and I fundamentally consider it flawed reasoning to ask you to provide affirmation of my belief by affirming your command from God entered confluence with me/mine (that's the other thing, it should be transcendence, absolute transcendence, of the utterly false command I was told. There should be absolutely no confluence. It should stand in its own right.) If it proves demonstrably observable, it is inherently going to do this at the level of choice for Trent and his likeness, in that it will present him with a choice not a proof. I think that is my inherent nature by functional design, and a lot of what will happen is based on the function of just having the gall to say so, no different than I did will Billy. (Billy was the one I proved it was happening to personally. There is no necessity of a repeat.) If Billy turns out to be the parameter, as in the existential limit of acceptance, he was as far as I was ever prepared to go anyway, meaning what worked with him should have worked with Trent if Trent had wanted it to work. I will let the chips fall. But there is no way I am seeking affirmation in order to set up a dichotomous paradigm that is designed to prove Trent wrong. You have no idea what he has done for me or what he helped me to believe, why his signal matters to me. It matters to me because he as "there" when you were not, because he was the one who shifted positively and did it in absolute terms. I bore an existential responsibility to that transformation no matter how things unfolded, that forced me through. I trust the transformation and the nature of it, the transformation that took place with himself, so it is a bit of a surprise to see maybe that it did not stick. What mattered to me the most was whether I could succeed in the recovery of souls, and Trent in his position was my furthest benchmark in that respect. The end was amazing to behold, during the breaking. If I succeed here, success is total. I always wanted to, meaning I still am hopeful he is the benchmark I do not want to lose.
It's the most fundamental bridge of an existential gulf in worldview that can ever be made, on the scales of eternity, the polar opposite of belief between him and myself. In the same token it is a question whether to try and accept such a bridge is opening Pandora's box? But even you are presently just opening Pandora’s Box with ad libs about religion. I always had a harrow suspicion you’d turn out to be my closet radical, my opposite (3:40).
Here at the murder scene,
Virus a fiction, reality TV
Why so many mothers cry
Religion is the enemy
Holy Spirit guide
And the battle just begun
Where is the victory that Jesus won?
Good question.
So, when I ask what you meant by that couplet, what am I asking from you in terms of an assent? Because I don’t think you and I got married at that moment in that stadium, though it sure felt like it. Not in the sense it is normally understood. So, my question is if you can agree it was something along these lines, (in accord with the present)? -I’m asking if you agree with its course as writ and whether you agree with it in terms of how it raised a collective consciousness in love, i.e., was it the Rapture in this framework? Is it the Bride and the Church in this framework? Is that what we are going to see as the accord becomes mutually conscious? (Well wait, let me show you.) Is Jack White now writing not just in terms of what happened in 2020, (and was that collective, will it be collectively expressed among all the past particulars), but in terms of what he knows (because I told him too)? Was the marriage really to this Spirit Who may advent? Is the Identity correct? Am I correct in identifying It? Does it make us the collective Church as the Bride?
I am not asking for your accord with my perception. I am asking what is your perception of these events and are you naming me in this context? Are you doing that deliberately to discover what the effect will be? Were you really doing what God told you to do (or was it just a lyric)? Have you arrived at a conclusion, (based on these apparent experiments with what I’ve revealed to you), that it has something to do with me?
Assent is a complicated matter in itself. The last time I revealed everything I hid everything, saying I took that tact so I wasn’t cheapening something personal and intimate by articulating it. But that’s exactly what I had to do this time ‘round, which is an incredible irony in that I think everyone who might have been inspired by what happened is going to take exactly the right tact in terms of not actually talking about it. (I will almost guarantee you that the most explicit will be Anthony Kiedis and RHCP, which was what he did last time, in spades if you consider that album, but even he closed the door), so why am I doing it in the forced sense that revealing is the only way of proving that what’s happening is actually linked to me, in order to qualify my perception as not insane, just to validate it (and thereby protect myself)? (When the conclusion that this is real being a public one is likely to quantify personal risk.) Even Anthony maintained what really happened as a secret! Even Martin Gore wasn’t too explicit.
“This is our life’s mission. We work, focus, and prepare, so that when the biggest wave comes, we are ready to ride it. The ocean has gifted us a mighty wave and this record is the ride that is the sum of our lives.” - RHCP album announcement
So what’s the big wave Bono? You’re the one who’s in the position of knowing what it is. You got the exclusive. The first wave happened when I got reawakened in 1998 and went to contact you personally because of it, and revealed what I thought was happening to you, querying you about it. This was a combined wave, because the asking/answer that happened mind to mind between Billy and myself in the expression of an eternal troth happened in tandem, with the even bigger wave of appearing/proving myself to Billy by landing on his website and making it a proof exercise, standing up to the negative transposition he tried of make of it by proving him wrong. The next down cycle was when Billy’s indifference forced me to the conclusion that none of it was real because of his apparent interactive position in it. (If one side doesn’t believe in it, then you have nothing.) The next wave was when Billy deliberately experimented with the connection to see if he could restore it back by targeting me individually by using his 2007 album to respond personally to what I’d sent him in the courier letters. This collapsed again when after romancing me online in secret, he deliberately broke up with me using Jessica Simpson in 2009, but then that didn’t get to do the job because of what you performed live late summer/September in 2010, which put it on a transcendent level. You then eventuated a collapse much in tandem with what Billy did, which really ended things, as you well know, because you ultimately committed personal betrayal on a religious level after things gradually collapsed in 2013, a personal sacrifice of myself you were utterly indifferent to making, which is what the letter to Martin records, a record that would otherwise never have happened. That was the existent state of affairs until my awareness got resurrected by transcendent inspiration occurring with Nick Cave’s GHOSTEEN October 2019, which has given us the Big Wave. This was the Big One, in the analogy we’ve had since the very beginning. It wasn’t you marrying me. It was Someone Else that moves the whole thing, you included. But only you were in the conscious position of saying God had told you so. Which makes you the one true exclusive point of make it or break it. Does Anthony ever get to know from the outside as well as the inside? Does Thom? Does Jack White, namely anyone else who’s come along second generation?
Here's the thing I want you to register, this only grew in terms of establishing itself as real and veritable with each and every advent of revelation on a personal level. It didn’t get to grow beyond either Billy or yourself because both of you deliberately obstructed it by silence of omission. You deliberately annihilated my ability to go forward for seventeen years. I only eclipsed you by arriving at being able to prove myself to Billy thanks to what had transpired between him and me individually apparently mind to mind, and him eventually experimenting with that and coming to an individual conclusion, but he was as indifferent as you in that it took him eighteen years to put out a song that permitted any evidence that it was possible he was responding personally to my online advent on his official forum in 2000 and that it actually meant something important to him, and that at a level that barely meant anything at all except to me personally, the self-same tactic as you.
The only way I was even able to approach Jack White on this matter was because of the little hint drops you put out on Songs of Experience that were only intended for me. When I did the flash drive drop on The Cult at the Mahaffey Theater in April 2016, I did not have that at my disposal, and now interestingly, since they got that drop, they are now initiating their next US Tour (it was cancelled by Covid 19 apparently and resumed with this added date) in St. Petersburg FL, which will permit me to update them. I expect this sort of maneuver on the part of rational people, because they weren’t supplied with enough evidence the first time ‘round (which I consider to be your and Billy’s fault 100%). (Presumptive of me when there’s only a marginal chance this is intentional in this context, but what position are you/I/we going to be in, post hence, if I deliver them the goods/update (which includes you deliberately stealth naming me) and unlike your nigh interminable twenty year pussyfooting, they make it bloody obvious by lyricizing about what I give them this time ‘round specifically after I do this update drop, while they’ve deliberately put their long pending next album release on hold. (Which is their first subsequent release after they got my iBook, a seven-year hiatus, until after this tour, -what if that’s in order to decide on the lyrics?)
Which again highlights your level of personal obstruction to any progress, which you’ve maintained for over twenty years. Stealth naming me is all very nice (which you were only able to do based on what you know because I confided everything to you, the substance of which you have not permitted anyone else to find out), but unless you have the gumption to credit that that’s what you’re really doing, you’ve deliberately confined me to being pauper with a stalker, unable to prove anything. (I am 100% to blame for my existing circumstances, but you are the one who prevented me transforming them by getting to publish my book with any success.)
Here’s the things I do not want to affirm:
1) I don’t want to affirm a projection that is a trauma-based reaction.
2) I don’t want to affirm in any way if it’s just pimping out my own internal experience, i.e., commodifying my personal intimate relationship with the Sky, or with your for that matter, and I don’t want it to affect your and yours negatively.
3) I don’t want to do it if the only thing it’s going to accomplish is a schism with the atheists, or a giant crossing-over commingling between the profane and the sacred that will alienate the majority of Christians as well in mutual enmity at the same time, -and just for an added bonus, opens Pandora’s Box in a whole lot of people’s minds in a way that just gives evil more power in the world, because they will react to revelation in terms of their pre-existing inclinations, which run the gamut. (Isn’t Ghost’s latest release nice for example?! - “Doom Metal”. (No. I don’t want to boost with any clicks whatsoever. My ex showed it to me of course. Consider it his first stealth attack salvo after cracking my book, meaning he really is only capable of reacting in terms of harm.) They’ll bounce great. I hope such like scuttle for the nearest dark crevice they can find. It’s very disheartening to see archetypes used to advocate inviting Devil possession, which is interesting in the sense of if these things don’t exist why are they still being promulgated as artistic expression in a “God is dead” world? (Which means they are being liberated by this worldview.) I don’t know how much those things can be helped (it’s interesting in this light that Damon sang, you reflect the particles as they fall, the darkness and the light; -not exactly comfortable if it’s happening, sort of like a fulcrum on judgment, as the reactions are individual), but I’m only interested in doing the opposite of those potential outcomes. I don’t want to create a situation with both good and bad results where the ramifications appear the same on both sides or there are more worse outcomes than better. Especially if the good outcome is already internal, known by those who are going to know it, and the maximum benefit the situation can obtain has already been obtained. Because then you are dealing with overall net bad outcomes in the offing by revealing. But I don’t believe in concealing out of fear, the point being, that with a full reveal, Ghost would not be capable of pulling such s*** now, would they? It would be shown for the falsehood it is. It is good to challenge evil and make it run for cover if you can succeed at it. I’m all for that. But if the Christians react to it as a religious inversion of their faith, bastardization between the sacred and the profane, there’s not a whole lot you can succeed at. If I am mistaken on that count, that is what worries me most. If I’m right, there’s no point in a war you can’t win either.
4) I also must fully weigh the consequences to my family and it must prove worthwhile in that respect because that is a very heavy price tag.
Here’s what I do want to do:
I want to affirm the Transcendent Consciousness really exists, (you can argue ’til the cows come home with me whether that’s “God” or which religion we’re talking about (though Christianity is the entire transpiration), whether religion is good or bad and whether it means we need to aspire to be good). I want to affirm there’s a developing collective consciousness between us all. I think the validation in empowering those arguments can mean a whole lot of good in the world because we’ll better off without the death of God, because it gives us an aspiration to live in God’s image, and it gives us a compass for what we better and better not do, with some existential oomph behind it. At least if framed correctly, because right and wrong mattering in your day-to-day life has the effect of effecting a whole lot of good in the world/society, and it is better than humanity being a commodity, which we are in the hands of amoral capitalism in an ideological vacuum. And aren’t they having fun with their attempts at puerile substitutes!
That said, Christ Himself said the Rapture was not going to be a visible thing. He said He would come like a thief in the night, and only those gathered would get to know. So there’s that, and I have to weigh whether that’s supposed to be the way of it because it is what will keep me alive. The full letter shows I was still in the full throes of weighing it. I am not denying this!
So, I cannot really be angry at you for maintaining this as a secret for twenty-two years, if this was your motive, because it affects me too. However, if it was all about the winning horse, commodifying the situation and nothing more, you stand accused. You certainly swirled the bowl in terms of your religious ethics after you appeared to make that a conscious choice, so there’s that. You are suspect because your reaction is paternalistic in terms of administering my destiny by silence of omission/obstruction, which can be boiled down to pure self-interest.
So what this boils down to, for me, and why I am revealing to you here, now, is that I am abiding a Transcendent Will’s choice to reveal Him/Theirself or not, and whether He will reveal Himself at a level that’s adequate to you, or not, and whether that gives you the sign posts to make a decision as to whether personally affirming this, in your own terms of reference, is the right thing to do, for you. That is why I am laying the existing active feedback loop before your feet right now. It’s to give you a choice, based on a Transcendent action, or lack thereof. We already have what we have. It is signed, sealed and delivered. The question is how much the Transcendent Will wants the world to know or not. I feel He already revealed Himself to me, but was that a sole interior experience that was just to save me? I’m hoping time will tell, and we’ll see what we’ll see, and I’m hoping that will offer a conclusion. As in, even if we kept a whole lid on this, I’d still like to meet Chris, and others maybe too, if they wanted to meet me. And you really have no business keeping a lid on that by silence of omission because it’s cordoning off the most beautiful thing that might happen in my life, stopping it from ever prospectively happening, which will probably take the book happening. You have no business burying all this. And I think the rational inference from the series of waves that have happened, or precedents, is that revelation is a positive. I don’t think even in terms of charting the historical progress that has happened despite your obstruction that you can adequately argue the opposite. I mean look how “fun” it gets when you consciously decide on the outcome of burying my existence alive via your silence. The only saving grace was definitely not you. You were the executioner this time ‘round, and you were apparently fine with that; being an enabler whose sole interest was mass appeal (and rehabilitating war criminals’ public image) was far more important to you than spiritual matters, even in terms of yourself.
So, back to my spaghetti strings, as we have only addressed your two (the whopper assumption of the Bride/Church/marriage hinging on what appeared to begin between you/me because you were told by God to do so and the whopper assumption you just stealth named me to finish it with your last personal release). Here are the others:
2) I have a walloping assumption that what transpired between my experience of the Christ in January 1996 and Nick Cave’s expression of a personal conversion where he experienced Christ that appeared mediated by a woman was somehow a somewhat common experience. -It was this transcendent affirmation occurring that made me infer that what I’d experienced may have really been Christ, if it was indeed somehow a common experience. And by common experience I mean I was dealing with Transcendent Inspiration putting in just enough markers on Nick Cave’s album that I would conclude this. The markers are my song-by-song analysis of The Boatman’s Call in the iBook Chapter “October” (p. 907). They include the first thought, word for word, as a reply to my first thought that terrible Thanksgiving acid trip where my father damned me to Hell in front of everyone. The album seemed custom designed to awaken me and did so by saying come into my door and drop your coat and your suffering, be with me. I misapprehended it in the sense that it was so gestalt that the first thing I did was go and find out if I was existing removed object somehow to Nick Cave and whether he meant it, because my response was “yes”. Then I did the same thing with Billy Corgan when he appeared to respond fully in accord to my mind’s asking with “you’re mine forever now”.
So, in actuality I’m not sure Christ will appear in the music feedback this time ‘round because it already happened once, which would probably provide an inference it was only supposed to happen in my personal perception. That conclusion matters either way. This is an issue in that I never got to find out what was going on with Nick Cave in his own mind with this, whether he was inspired to write the sum of those lyrics (does it matter), or whether he was really writing about his own internal experience of redemption, that he himself had perceived the Christ. I’m not sure it matters, in that the lyrics all got written and the sum was too impossible for chance and too personally intimate, but it matters to me. What I’m trying to point out is that despite the nature of transcendent perception occurring somehow in common, which bears a huge implication literally no one in Christendom possesses as per their own internal subjective experience of being born again (who has ever had this happen in a universal sense?), from the opposite angle it is literally a Rapture hanging on a sole spaghetti string of an assumption that Christ appeared in common at that moment, (loosely give or take, it wasn’t simultaneous). Which was the only thing I would have been able to trust. Would it be demolished by Nick Cave saying he was just being poetic with that album, and he wasn’t expressing personal redemption? Good question. I never got to ask. But the same question could be applied to what he said on record about “Lavender Fields”. I mean, does it really wipe CARNAGE out in terms of meaning if he claims it doesn’t have it? When what’s transpiring overall is so much larger than himself? The big giant transcendent universal feedback.
3) I have a walloping assumption that what transpired between Billy Corgan and myself was a transcendent free will asking and answer to an eternal transcendent troth, which I obviously confronted him directly in order to find out just exactly what was going on. I got my heart broken for my troubles (twice not once) and ran into my ex at precisely that moment (2004), which was basically the most disastrous unrecognized rebound in human history, when I felt forced to conclude by Billy’s non-reaction to all this meant that none of it was real. My second wallop of an assumption around this event was that when Billy seemed to not recognize this as having happened initially in 2000 with my advent on his website, I concluded it was a transcendent Spirit inspiring all of them that was doing the talking. Thanks to the transcendent asking/answer that had transpired with Billy, which had declared me His eternal lover, and that it had already conferred Its own identity by entering my being fully and completely on January 1996, with that self-same identity being conferred by Nick Cave in terms of a redemptive conversion without his knowledge or understanding, (which meant He was transcendent there too in the sum of inspiration that had resurrected me, identified as Himself), the fact that neither were conscious of relating to me as a removed object somewhere else on earth they had not met yet meant that a Transcendent entity was relating to me personally in this manner and that entity was relating to me as lover, -eternal lover in fact. Billy said he got the song of most import on Machina/machines of God in about fifteen minutes.
Have I ever got to ask him whether he really arrived at an accord with me after I gate-crashed his website? Meaning was “Marchin’ On” really written about me and does he really believe it or believe in it? Was “Jesus, I” expression of a real conversion to him either, similar to Cave’s, or was it just artistic expression? Does he believe what I revealed to him? What is his perspective on that album now? Guess we get to find out with the sequel, right? If only artistically.
No, I have never gotten to ask him what he thinks now either, after he broke up with me in a half-removed secretive romance that only took place online and was in holding suspension due to a green card petition and a divorce on my part. Were Billy to respond by public denial of what transpired in my book, his denial would carry a lot more impact than if Nick Cave reacted in the same manner, but given you and he both operate in terms of personal convenience (with Billy’s definition of self-security approaching child marriage but not quite, you do realize the age gap between himself and his partner he did not value enough to marry is larger than the one between my father and myself, and not marrying her enforces the disempowerment of the age disparity with financial inequality just as great), denial on either of your parts is actually more probable in terms of you both reacting by lying, than by choosing not to. This is weighted on the basis that both of you chose to react in terms of concealment for so long. It is your denial that ultimately has the capacity to make it or break it, which is why I am writing to you. As far as I’m concerned, your impact has already been enough that you yourself should be capable of registering your personal impact as a sum negative that you shouldn’t continue to maintain.
I am gambling this inference presently on potential outcomes with the individuals I have managed to reveal myself to despite your maintained obstruction via silence of omission, namely what might happen presently with the future releases Jack White, The Cult, Billy Corgan himself, Depeche Mode, and Nick Cave, whose release post revelation was CARNAGE. Billy only acted to affirm me at the snail slow pace you did, arriving at the finish line after eighteen years. But I’m hopeful these next two offerings will provide for a marked shift, as he’s talking about producing sequels to precisely the two albums I addressed him over in the first place. It’s even possible Michael Stipe was in this category but as I used the email address to a site administrator of his (which is surprisingly still active though the website is long gone), I assume it’s going to be impossible to tell either way. Especially if they all play the same ambiguity game you’ve played for over twenty years. I hope they’re not like you, and I’m hoping their not being like you will provide an adequate signal that you ought to change tact. Furthermore, this will be weighted by the consideration that the wave produced in all the many others who have not gotten to know yet (starting with RHCP and Radiohead, but really the list is pretty long), your culpability to them is part of this calculus, in terms of whether your deliberate omission is a sin towards all the rest. Given what they might express about this particular wave (being the Big One), that consideration could be pretty steep. You didn’t just abort me. You aborted the connection for everyone. I do not want to go through another David Bowie ever again, and neither, I hope, should you.
My last spaghetti string is of course Martin Gore himself, and whether he would affirm or deny all of it. Here is what I feel the four of you represent, respectively:
1) You were inception of the marriage/Rapture, beginning and the end
2) Nick Cave was the resurrection (twice), being completely unconscious of his inspired position in it, that conferred Christ’s identity outside of my internal perception
3) Billy was the affirmation of this out of free will as a transcendent eternal troth he wasn’t conscious of being at the time either
4) Martin was the transcendent resurrection of all of the above at the same level of personal intimacy that had occurred with you, who believed and affirmed (if indirectly perhaps maybe) that this is the Rapture. -Martin had the same conscious awareness of me as you did at the beginning, which also makes him the beginning and the end, as in as far as this reached in a universal way. -His position was designed to make me realize what I needed to recognize and accept transcendence, meaning that the breaking with you was an incredible disservice to Someone Else, not necessarily him, in the understanding of what it did to him.
Back in 1998 after Nick Cave brought me back the first time, I decided there were four of you at my core. I was fully right, in that each of the four of you have the individual capacity to make it or break it. The rest do too, but it is not the same. I think we are free in the knowledge internally too. I’m sort of waiting to see how this unfolds. I’m not interested in breaking it in the efforts to achieve it by establishing it externally, and every personal approach I make has that inherently in the risks. This has collapsed based on our personal encounters (or lack thereof) several times over. It has not been easy, not easy at all. You told me the same, but you could have made this one hell of a lot easier. This is a do over. Please do differently. I want my book out of the deal. I have a family to support. I want to have a home to go back to. I’ve never had one. Only you are in the conscious position to change this. Quit treating my life as if it’s not of any worth. It isn’t hard to do. Please make this matter by treating it like it does.
When is the song going to save my life?
Last but not least, Jack's second single release from Fear of the Dawn is talking about maintaining this (if it is talking about this) as a secret.